Christmas and the demon of failure.

Two days until Christmas.

For the last few years, as a family we have had some financial hardships.  Ups and downs.

But it seemed that each year, around Christmas things became really difficult and we would have to scale back on our Christmas giving plans.  This year since we lost our house and are chipping away at these projects it seems even more pronounced.  I have been doing well, being positive and keeping Matthew positive as much as possible.  Even when things seem the most grim, it’s not difficult for me to see where the positive is.

But today…

Today, I woke up feeling super positive.  I only slept a few hours but I felt really good when I woke up.  I said- “Something great is happening today”.  I can feel it.

But after I got out the shower and into the car- Matthew told me we had $240 to get Christmas gifts for all the kids.  (That’s 5)  I immediately began to feel defeated.  I thought I was frustrated, but it was more of a deflated feeling.

As we drove, I decided that I needed to go back to Shammy’s house and get my computer so I could do some work and earn some more cash.  We got to Starbucks and Matthew asked me what we should do to help lift my spirit.  I said nothing.  I knew in my head, and my mind was saying “Please pray for me!” but there was something more powerful controlling what was coming out of my mouth.

We sat at the table and he was trying so hard to help me, but I realized that it wasn’t just frustration or the blues. I had a demon on me. It was the spirit of failure, inadequacy, and giving up. He was controlling my mouth- not my thoughts.  He wouldn’t allow me to say that I needed Matthew to pray for me.

What I did say is that I wanted to drink- a LOT. I wanted to get drunk and be dark.  Go to sleep and wake up and drink more.  Of course, Matthew rejected that idea.. I got enough strength to tell him that I was trapped inside my mind and that this demon was controlling my mouth.  Tricking me into believing that I was powerless to stop him.  Matthew asked me again what should we do.

I excused myself to the bathroom.  When I got there, I looked in the mirror; I saw my face but I didn’t recognize myself.  There was this look of- “ha. I’m in control and you can’t do anything about it.” It was him and it was down right scary. I had to cover my eyes.

I remembered that recurring dream that I have had since I was a kid (about my home -usually in Grady- being possessed by demons) and found the strength to do what I needed to do!!

I looked at myself in the mirror and rebuked the demon and the devil himself in the name of Jesus who died for my sins and Jehovah the Most High God! I repeated myself and immediately felt that demon depart from me.

THIS IS STUFF YOU SEE IN MOVIES AND I SWEAR THAT I’M NOT EXAGGERATING!!

I have to look into this and figure out what to do.  I’ve always had a very REAL awareness and connection to this spiritual world but I wasn’t sure what it was or what it meant.  I’m beginning to see now.

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